Trials

Tomorrow, we make a big decision about Penny.
--although we've known about this for 4 months, 
it's been weighing especially heavy on me for this last month.
I am no stranger to trials--as is no one.

No matter how many trials I have gone through, when one comes my way, it kicks my feet from behind & knocks me right on my butt.  No matter the trial size. 

This month has been a really rough one + I have struggled emotionally on a daily basis.  It has made me ponder & think about motherhood on a whole new level.  I've really been thinking about people--people in general.  What makes a person the way they are?  Life experiences + the happy + the sad.  I sit & think while I am checking out at the grocery store--the waitress--the neighbor--a friend--you just never know what someone can be going through. It's made me a little more kind to those around me
+ I'm learning how to be more gentle with myself.

Big or small.  Happy or sad.  Life happens + curve balls get thrown my way everyday.  Whether it's trying to figure out how to spread my love when both my babies need me at the exact same time or how to help a friend in need from a distance.
These last couple Relief Society lessons have really spoke to my heart & made me think more clearly.  It's kinda funny how Heavenly Father knows what you need to hear--even if it's hard to swallow at the moment. 
I'm gonna go through this with my head held high & a positive outlook on life---because it could be SO MUCH WORSE.  But, that doesn't mean that there wont be days that I will feel down, moments that I cry in private, & seconds that are painful.  My sister said it best when she gently reminded me that although seeing something wrong with your little one is excruciating, at the end of the day, you've got put on your mama pants & be brave.  You just have to.
 But, who knows, maybe we will hear the good news we have been hoping for & won't have to do further treatment with Penny.  I'm crossing my fingers--but, also preparing for the worst. 

Today, as i was watching London try to jump over a bar at gymnastics, I couldn't help but notice the determination on her face.  She couldn't quite figure out how to jump over the bar with both feet.  She jumped once--didn't go how she wanted--turned around & tried again--and again and again.  Finally, she figured out how to jump over the bar with both feet.  My heart soared with happiness for her + it was such a joy to watch her succeed.  Watching London do this reminded me that things are not always easy at first...but with time, we come out on top & are changed in ways we never thought possible.  Trials teach us so much & I always look back after a trial & realize how much I've changed & how many lessons I learned along the way. 
I know this all seems vague, but I'm not quite ready to share in more detail with the blogging & social media world just yet.  With time.  I really just wanted to write out some of my thoughts as of late--writing things down always helps me sort my feelings & emotions out. 

 With all that being said, I know that I can get through anything with Blake, London, & Penny by my side.  My love for the three of them is something I will never be able to understand or put into words.
Really, what else matters than my precious babies & husband--it doesn't matter what people think of me & it doesn't matter what people will think of Penny.  I know that the power of prayer is here & works.  I have used it many times throughout my life--more times as a mother--and probably even more times this last month.  I know Heavenly Father is aware of us & loves us.  I know that the atonement is real & that Jesus has already felt the pain of everything I am going through & feeling--so of course he understands & is here for me.  I honestly do not know what I would do without the gospel.  It has brought me so much peace when peace feels impossible.